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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22368487">one look and my heartbeat stops</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/realityrewind/pseuds/realityrewind'>realityrewind</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>IT (Movies - Muschietti)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Dialogue Heavy, Divorce, Fluff, Friendship, I really don't know how else to tag this, M/M, Mutual Pining, Oblivious, Pining, bill and audra not bill and mike, figuring out your feelings for your childhood friend, finding yourself, there is no cheating</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-01-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-01-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 12:08:03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,641</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22368487</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/realityrewind/pseuds/realityrewind</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Something about Mike made Bill’s chest ache with both nostalgia and fondness. Nostalgia for the good parts of his childhood: hanging out in the quarry and the clubhouse, drawing his friends while they listened to music, riding silver through his neighborhood streets. Fondness for the smooth voice at the other end of the phone, the laughter, and the way he could tell Mike was smiling without even seeing his face.</p><p>All of the losers made him feel this way, of course, but with Mike, it was different. </p><p>.   .   .</p><p>In which Bill and Audra fall out of love, and Bill realizes he's been in love with someone else</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Bill Denbrough/Audra Phillips (past), Bill Denbrough/Mike Hanlon, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier, In the background</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>92</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>one look and my heartbeat stops</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Bill was quiet in the weeks that followed with what the losers now referred to as The Derry Incident. He was generally a quiet person to begin with, since his stutter was so strong as a child. He spoke when it was important, and he did so slowly.</p><p>This was a different kind of quiet.</p><p>The silence had stretched on between he and his wife. Bill really hadn't meant for it to happen-in the beginning he actively fought against it- but both seemed to be at a loss for words. With his memories restored and his bond with the losers rekindled, it was as if he was a different man. No, he <em>was</em> one. One that Audra had never known. Hell, he barely recognized himself sometimes.</p><p>They had fought a few nights after he had returned from Derry, and it was a doozy. Audra was furious with him for leaving, especially in the circumstances of the timing with the movie, but that she could forgive. What she couldn't get past was how different Bill returned to her, and how he refused to tell her the truth of what happened during his trip.</p><p>"Why won't you tell me what happened? what the fuck happened, Bill!?" She shouted as she followed him through the house.</p><p>"If I t-t-told you, you wouldn't understand!" He yelled back. The words would have sounded petulant if not for the break at the end.</p><p>They didn't talk about it again and that was the last time bill was loud.</p><p>.  .  . </p><p>Bill had a secret.</p><p>It wasn't that big of a deal, yet it left him feeling an uneasy sort of guilty. The truth was, it wasn't that he didn't talk much anymore.</p><p>He just didn't talk to Audra much anymore. </p><p>Bill spoke to the losers a lot. Everyday their group chat was a constant buzz in his pocket. He would FaceTime Richie every few days to get updates on Eddie's recovery process when Eddie was still in the hospital. He would call Stan just to hear his voice, making sure he really was still with them. Bev and Ben would send him updates on their new house all the time.</p><p>He talked to Mike the most.</p><p>When he rolled over to shut his alarm off, he'd shoot a good morning to him (even though back in Derry it was already past noon). He'd text him throughout his morning routine and breakfast. They had a daily phone call at 1 pm for him, 3 pm for Mike. They talked and talked and talked. About nothing and about everything. Something about Mike made Bill’s chest ache with both nostalgia and fondness. Nostalgia for the good parts of his childhood: hanging out in the quarry and the clubhouse, drawing his friends while they listened to music, riding silver through his neighborhood streets. Fondness for the smooth voice at the other end of the phone, the laughter, and the way he could tell Mike was smiling without even seeing his face.</p><p>All of the losers made him feel this way, of course, but with Mike, it was different. He couldn’t explain why it was different, exactly. Perhaps it was the fact that Mike never forgot- never let himself forget the horrors they faced the summer of 1989- and Bill felt more gratitude than he could feasibly express. He truly felt that had it been any other loser, himself included, in Mike's shoes, they would have skipped town the moment they could, oath be damned. How he had the strength to live the way he did, Bill would never understand.</p><p>The truth was that Bill loved to talk, he just didn't know how to talk to his wife.</p><p>.   .   .</p><p>"Who are you always texting?" Audra asked.</p><p>They were sitting on their patio, coffee mugs in hand. It was the first time in a long time they were able to do this, to spend some quality time together, but Bill found himself distracted by his current text conversation.</p><p>"Oh, uh. Just some friends." He replied.</p><p>"Who's Mike?" Audra was facing forward, mug held close to her lips. Her voice was filled with forced casualty.</p><p>"How do you know his name?" He hoped it didn't sound like an accusation.</p><p>"I can hear you talking to someone on the phone when you go in your study." She paused thoughtfully. "you say his name a lot when you talk to him."</p><p>"Do I?" He sipped on his coffee, giving him time to figure out what he wanted to tell her, what he could tell her. "He's my friend from Derry. The one that called and asked me to come back."</p><p>"How come you never talked to him before you went back? Why didn't I know about him?" she pressed.</p><p>Bill knew that she just wanted answers, to understand him more. He didn't know how to explain without sounding like a madman.</p><p>"It's just one of those things, I guess." He shrugged, looking at the wood of their patio floor. "You lose contact with old friends all the time. We just came back together."</p><p>Audra was studying him with such an intensity, one that he had never felt from her before. One that, before, she never had to do. She used to be able to read him like words on a page.</p><p>"Well, maybe you should invite him over for dinner someday. I'd like to meet him."<br/>
That surprised Bill. Guess he can't read Audra that well anymore either.</p><p>"Maybe. I don't know if he'll ever be out this way."</p><p>.   .   .</p><p>As it turns out, a few months later Mike's journey lead him right to Bill's doorstep.</p><p>In the time between this, Bill and Richie had met up a couple handfuls of time. Now that they realized that they lived so close, they never wanted to go too long without seeing each other. Maybe it was anxiety about possibly forgetting each other again, or maybe they just missed each other. If it was the latter, neither would admit it.</p><p>"So, Mike's gonna be around pretty soon." Bill started as he and Richie lounged around Richie's living room, passively watching the movie playing in the background.</p><p>"How do you know that? All he says in the group chat is that he's having a great time anywhere but that hellhole." Richie side eyed his friend.</p><p>"You guys don't talk on the phone?" he asked, incredulous. He assumed Mike called all the losers.</p><p>"Uh, no? Guess big Bill gets special Mikey rights."</p><p>"Whatever" Bill scoffed, feeling flustered. "Maybe he just doesn't wanna h-h-hear your trashmouth."</p><p>"Yowza! That one hurt." But he was smiling good-naturedly.</p><p>Bill bumped his foot against Richie's leg with a grin. "Anyway, he said he's gonna be in LA soon, maybe a week? Audra wants to have him around for dinner, do you want to come?"</p><p>A strange look passed Richie's face, but it was gone so quickly Bill couldn't have read it if he tried. "No thanks, your wife would be so overwhelmed with me she would forget you and Mike were even there." he wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. This would have been normal Tozier behavior if not for him nervously adjusting his glasses afterwards. </p><p>"Well, okay." Bill decided to let it go, unsure why Richie was acting strange. "But the three of us have to g-get together at some point while he's around."</p><p>"Course, Big Bill! wouldn't miss it for the world." Richie kicked him back and everything felt normal again.</p><p>.   .   .</p><p>Bill and Audra were putting around the kitchen, or at least Bill was- Audra was cooking perogies, and doing a damn good job of it at that going on smell alone.</p><p>Bill had a lot of nervous energy. This dinner felt important, though he wasn't sure why. It was just Mike. He'd be the first loser to meet his wife, perhaps that was the reason.</p><p>Their doorbell rang out, cutting off his worried pacing.</p><p>"I'll get it!" he exclaimed, making his way to the front door. He took a moment to gather himself, then opened the door to greet his friend.</p><p>"Mikey!"</p><p>"Bill!"</p><p>They laughed and grabbed each other into a big embrace. Hugs from Mike left a giddy feeling in Bill's chest, feeling like a young boy again.</p><p>"I missed you, Mike." he said, along with a breathless laugh.</p><p>"We talk on the phone every day!" Mike smiled as they pulled away from each other.</p><p>Bill gestured for him to come inside. "you know what I mean."</p><p>"yeah, I think I do." Mike looked down at his feet, almost shyly.</p><p>The atmosphere turned a bit tense, and Bill's heart thudded against his ribs. He furled with eyebrows.</p><p>
  <em>what's going on?</em>
</p><p>"Well, let me s-s-show you around!" He exclaimed, determined to get rid of whatever feeling just tried to ruin his friend's visit.</p><p>He guided Mike from room to room, then the spacious backyard. Mike would comment on little things, like the color of the carpet and the paintings on the walls. They joked back and forth, bumping shoulders every so often. It was the most content Bill had felt on a long time, and the tension from before was gone.</p><p>"So, this is the man that has been taking up all my husband's attention!" Audra's voice met them as they entered the kitchen. Her words could have been taken as harsh, if not for the open smile on her face. She reached out for Mike's hand, but Mike surprised her with a hug.</p><p>"It's great to meet you, Audra." He pulled away. "I'm Mike Hanlon."</p><p>"It's great to meet you too," She moved gracefully back toward the food. "Hope you like perogies."</p><p>.  .  .</p><p>Bill couldn't believe how well the dinner was going. Audra and Mike were getting along right as rain, with Mike saying all the right things about her cooking. His face hurt from smiling and laughing so much.</p><p>Mike stayed and helped clean up the dishes and Audra packed him leftovers for later. They moved to their minibar Bill and Audra had built into their home a few years ago, something Bill was proud of having done himself.</p><p>"So, Mike, how have you liked California so far?" Audra asked.</p><p>"It feels like a whole different world from Derry." Mike paused to take a sip of his coke. "In other words, I love it."</p><p>"You two really grew up together there, huh?" Audra became distant suddenly, as if she got a bit lost in her own thoughts. "Tell me, does Bill all grown up seem different than the boy you knew?"</p><p>"No, not at all." He grinned, and though he was answering Audra, he only had eyes for Bill. "It was as if we never lost contact at all."</p><p>Bill felt warm all over.</p><p>Audra hummed, mostly to herself. "Well, it was wonderful to meet you, Mike. I think I'll head to bed. Don't be a stranger, now." She gave him a quick side hug, then kissed Bill's cheek. She then set her glass down and went upstairs.</p><p>"Is she alright?" Mike asked nervously. "Did I say something wrong?"</p><p>"Oh no, y-you're fine, Mikey." Bill assured him with a hand on the other man's shoulder. "She usually goes to bed pretty early."</p><p>"What about you?"</p><p>"Oh, I tend to dawdle. Sometimes I write. Sometimes I break out my w-watercolors."</p><p>"So, I'm not keeping you up." Mike smiled.</p><p>"Course not, Mikey.” He led Mike out to the patio, and they settled down on the porch swing.</p><p>.   .   .</p><p>They spend the rest of the night talking about nothing in particular, mostly just enjoying each other’s company.</p><p>“Alright,” Mike says sleepily after his second yawn of the night. He got up off the swing. “I think it’s about time for me to head back to my hotel.”</p><p>“Yeah, it is pretty late, isn’t it?” Bill stretched his arms above him heads. “I’ll see you soon, though, right? With Richie?”</p><p>“Yeah. Maybe in a few days? I’d like to do some exploring by myself. We’ll have to plan with Richie.”</p><p>“It’ll be good for him, he’s been moping a lot since Eddie went back to New York.”</p><p>Mike hummed, standing up. He pulled the other man into a hug. “I’ll see you later, then.”</p><p>“H-have a good night, Mikey.”</p><p>.   .   .</p><p>After washing up their drink glasses, Bill headed up to bed. He opened the door slowly, as to not wake Audra, but he found her awake anyway. She was sitting up, the light from the small lamp next to her illuminating her silhouette in the otherwise dark room. Before, he would have felt the need to crawl to her, to kiss her softly and whisper sweetly in her ear. Now, he mostly just felt apprehension and concern. He wondered when that changed.</p><p>“Bill,” She breathed out quietly. “Are we still in love?”</p><p>Her question shocked him right down to his core. It also somehow was not surprising.</p><p>“W-w-why wouldn’t we be?” He sat down on the edge of the bed, still facing her. He willed himself to feel anything other than the very platonic need to comfort a friend.</p><p>“I don’t know. You’ve changed. You’ve changed so much I feel like- I feel like I don’t know you anymore.” She hugged her knees. “But, Bill. <em>He</em> doesn’t think you’ve changed at all.”</p><p>“Audra…” He began. “I don’t know what to say. I know you want to understand.” He finished lamely. He couldn’t explain what had happened to him once he regained his memory. Those experiences he had as a child shaped who he was, or who he was supposed to be had he not forgotten. How could he tell her all of that without sounding out of his mind?</p><p>She sighed heavily, with a tone of finality. “I think we need to admit to each other…that maybe we haven’t been in love for some time now. Even before you went on your trip.”</p><p>Her words stung, but in his heart he knew them to be true. “I never wanted to fall out of love. I married you because I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you.”</p><p>“I never said you did.”</p><p>It was quiet then, only the soft hum of their air conditioner filling the silence. Bill’s heart ached. It ached for the years and years he spent with Audra. For their relationship, for the life they had built together.</p><p>
  <em>What am I supposed to do now?</em>
</p><p>“I think we should separate.” She studied his face, and she must have found what she was looking for because then she smiled. A small, sad smile, but a smile nonetheless. “That doesn’t mean you can get rid of me though. I still want to be in all your films.” She paused and reached to cover his hand with hers. “I still want to be friends. We’re great at being friends, aren’t we?”</p><p>Bill started to cry, just a few tears escaping from his eyes. “The best.”</p><p>She started to cry too.</p><p>.   .   .</p><p>The morning after they decided to separate was strange, to say the least. He woke up early and decided to cook a big breakfast for the two of them. Then halfway through, he wondered if it was a bad move. Would it seem like he was trying to fix things with Audra? Would she be upset?</p><p>As it turned out, he was worried for nothing. She came down the stairs, clad in her pajamas and bathrobe, looking sleepy but somehow lighter than he had seen her in quite some time.</p><p>“Oh, thank god. I’m starving.” She said, pouring herself a cup of coffee.</p><p>“Hey! Leave some for me!” He hip bumped her lightly.</p><p>They laughed, then abruptly stopped. They stared at each other awkwardly.</p><p>“Is this…okay?” Bill asked nervously.</p><p>Audra leaned against the counter thoughtfully. Then she shot him a grin. “If I knew telling you I wanted a divorce would make it way easier to talk to you, I would have done it months ago.”</p><p>“Ouch,” He moved the eggs and bacon onto plates for the two of them, then set them on the island. “I’m sorry. I know I’ve been distant-“</p><p>“Hey, no. it’s alright. I mean-obviously it’s not, but,” she walked over and picked up a piece of bacon off her plate. “It will be. Maybe not for a while, but we’ll make it out fine. And we both made this decision.”</p><p> “Yeah, you’re right.”</p><p>They ate in companionable silence for a few minutes before Bill asked, “So, how do you want to go about this?”</p><p>Audra sipped her coffee slowly. “I want the house.”</p><p>“Audra-“</p><p>“No, don’t <em>Audra</em> me. You know I love this house!” she pouted.</p><p>It was true. She was the one who chose it after their marriage. She chose most of the colors and the furnishings.</p><p>“Oh, fine. I want all the books in our library, though.”</p><p>“<em>All</em> the books?”</p><p>“Hey, who’s the writer here?”</p><p>“Ugh, <em>fine</em>, you big baby!”</p><p>They spent the rest of the morning making lists of who gets what. It was a bittersweet experience for Bill, because though they were discussing their separation, it was the most content he felt around Audra in <em>months,</em> maybe longer.</p><p>“This is going to be the easiest divorce Hollywood has ever seen. It’s going to be disappointing to the media.”</p><p>“That’s too bad, I was hoping to gain some publicity when I divorce <em>the</em> Audra Phillips.” Bill joked.</p><p>“Hey, I’m the one divorcing you, buddy. And don’t you forget it!” she chuckled lightly, smiling at Bill fondly.</p><p>Then she frowned.</p><p>“What is it?”</p><p>“I’m going to miss this. I know this is what I want, but it still hurts.”</p><p>“We were together for a long time…” He trailed off, feeling off put. “Are you sure we can’t…?” <em>Fix this? Stay together even though we both just admitted to not being in love anymore? Fall in love again?</em>  Even he wasn’t sure how he wanted to finish his question.</p><p>“I’m sure. Aren’t you?”</p><p>Bill sighed, running his hands through his hair tiredly. “M-m-maybe I’m just scared. It’s been you and I for years now. I don’t know where to go from here. But, yes. I’m sure.”</p><p>“Listen.” Audra started. “I’m going to go stay with my friend for a while. Maybe even until the divorce is finalized. I don’t think it will take that long, since we don’t have anything to fight over, not really.” She gathered herself, standing up from her chair and smoothing down her bathrobe. “I think you should go too, stay with one of your friends, I mean. You shouldn’t be alone.”</p><p>The first person to cross his mind was Mike, but considering that Mike was traveling, it probably wouldn’t make sense to stay with him. He ignored the strange longing he felt in his chest. “I’ll see if Richie will take me in.”</p><p>“Don’t you want to stay with Mike?” Audra asked.</p><p>Bill felt his heart skip a beat. “W-w-why would I want that?”</p><p>She pursed her lips, raising one eyebrow. “Maybe it’s none of my business, or maybe it is, seeing as we’re friends now, not partners….” Audra began busying herself with loading the dishes into their dishwasher. “Meeting Mike yesterday, that was part of the reason I decided to go through with telling you I wanted to separate.”</p><p>Bill was confused. What did Mike have to do with his and Audra’s relationship?</p><p>“You love him, Bill.” Audra turned and leaned back against the counter, arms crossed and defiant.</p><p>“What?” Bill felt his face scrunch up. “Of course I do, he’s one of my b-best friends.”</p><p>“I don’t know what kind of love you have for him, but I do know that the way you looked at him last night…you haven’t looked at me like that for a long time.” She glanced down towards her feet, and quietly added. “Maybe not ever.”</p><p>Bill stumbled out of his chair and staggered backwards a few steps, as if Audra had hit him. His thoughts raced, flashing through memories with Mike, how Mike made him feel, Mike’s smile and Mike’s hugs and Mike’s laugh-</p><p>“I d-d-don’t think this is something we should t-talk about,” He choked out.</p><p>“Bill-“</p><p>“<strong>No!</strong>” he cut her off, and it must have been the look in his eyes, that desperate look, that made her throw her hands up in defeat.</p><p>“Fine! Look Bill, I’m gonna go pack now. My friend is going to pick me up in about an hour.”</p><p>“Okay.” He mumbled weakly.</p><p>She nodded the made her way up the stairs. Then, a little over an hour later, Audra made her way out of Bill’s life.</p><p>.   .   .</p><p>Bill had went radio silent in the losers’ groupchat for two days. He figured it was fine, that he deserved some wallowing time alone, considering his wife had just left him. The only messages he sent out were to Mike, making up excuses as to why he couldn’t make their daily phone calls.</p><p>Okay, so perhaps he was wallowing more about what Audra had said to him about Mike rather than their impending divorce.</p><p>Which, <em>whatever</em>, Audra was obviously wrong. He loved and cared for Mike, of course, but he loved and cared about all the losers. She just didn’t understand.</p><p>On the third day he decided that enough was enough. If Audra was right about anything during their fight, it was that he shouldn’t be alone. The house felt empty, and if he was being honest with himself, he was lonely.</p><p>Checking his phone, he was that it was a little past one in the afternoon. Bill figured Richie would be awake by then. He only had to wait a few moments for Richie to answer the phone, surprisingly.</p><p>“Billiam! Is it really you? <em>Dahlin’,</em> it’s been so long-“</p><p>“Hey, Richie.” Bill smiled. “it’s been like two days.”</p><p>“And those two days felt like a lifetime. So, what’s up? Where have you been? Lost in your little writer brain?”</p><p>“Audra and I are getting a divorce.” He said plainly.</p><p>Silence stretched on between the two of them, and Bill became worried, because being quiet is something Richie could rarely do.</p><p>“Rich-“</p><p>“Look, Bill, I am <em>flattered </em>that you left your wife for me, but you are just <em>not my type</em> and-“</p><p>“Beep, beep, Richie!” He shouted with laughter lacing his voice. “I thought I broke you for a second there.”</p><p>“Oh, no, Billy. There’s no breaking this guy. But seriously…are you okay?”</p><p>“The separation was a mutual decision. But, yeah, I’m not feeling so great, if I’m being honest.”</p><p>“Well, casa de Tozier is always open, Señor!” Richie then dropped the voice. “I’ve got a guest room, y’know. If you wanna stay for a while. It’s just me here- most of the time, at least. There’s this weird stray cat that keeps showing up at like three in the-“</p><p>“I wouldn’t want to be any trouble, Rich.”</p><p>Bill heard the other man scoff. “Big Bill, you are nothing but trouble! That being said, I’d love to have you over, you dipshit.”</p><p>“Thanks, Richie.”</p><p>.   .   .</p><p>“Rich, I hate to say this, but I’m p-p-pretty sure you have either been cheating, or have no idea how to play any of these card games.”</p><p>The two of them have been playing war, old maid, and even go fish for the past few hours now. It’s been a great way to get Bill’s mind out of his current situation, but Richie definitely has strange ways of playing these games.</p><p>“Oh, how could you say that? My stars!” Richie put on a sweet southern belle voice and pretended to faint against the couch, hand over his forehead. He cracked an eye open. “It’s both, though.”</p><p>“Even go fish?” Bill asked incredulously.</p><p>“Even go fish.”</p><p>He barked out a laugh, then suggested they order some food and watch some TV.</p><p>.   .   .</p><p>He needed to talk to someone about this whole Mike thing. and while Richie was great, he knew Richie will never let go once he's told him, sneakily bringing it up whenever he could. Sure, he'd stop if Bill asked, but he'd wanna make the jokes. he'd see the look in his eyes.</p><p>He wanted to talk to Eddie. Eddie was his <em>best </em>best friend, and talking to him about hard topics was always easy, at least when they were younger. He couldn’t see why that would have changed.</p><p>He snuck away from a sleeping Richie, who had fallen asleep while they were watching some older sitcom reruns. He went up the stairs to the guest room and closed the door behind him. It was late, but he somehow knew Eddie would answer. Maybe it was their weird oath connection thing.</p><p>"Bill?" Eddie answered on the second ring.</p><p>"Hey, Eddie."</p><p>"It's late. Is something wrong? You've been quiet in the group chat Did something happen?" The man started shooting off, as he always did when he worried about his friends. It brought a small smile to Bill's face.</p><p>"nothing's wrong-well I mean, Audra and I did break up, then-"</p><p>"WHAT?"</p><p>"oh. I figured Richie would have told everyone by now." He said.</p><p>"YOU TOLD RICHIE BEFORE YOU TOLD ME?"</p><p>"Hey! I had to, he lives closest to me and I needed to stay with someone." He defended himself.</p><p>"whatever. you're okay, though, right? do you need to talk about it?"</p><p>"kind of? it's...related, sorta." He then went on a recap of what Audra had said and how that made me feel. It was almost therapeutic to get it all out. It was working him up, though, and he found himself stuttering more than usual.</p><p>"and s-s-so what? what does this even mean? am I gay?"</p><p>Eddie breathed out, and without even seeing him Bill knew he was rubbing between his eyes. "Okay, that was a lot. Give me a second."</p><p>Bill listened to him breathe out two more times. "Bill."</p><p>"Yeah, Eds?"</p><p>"You're obviously not gay. I mean, you just described falling out of love with your wife. Meaning you had to have been in love with her before." He said, much more calmly than his normal demeanor.</p><p>"But Mike..."</p><p>"It’s 2016, dude. Bisexuality exists. You can like both."</p><p>"Oh." He thought back to all the times throughout his life he stared at other men a little too long, liking certain actors a little too much, and figuring he was just jealous of them. "<em>Oh</em>."</p><p>"You okay, Bill?" Eddie said humorously.</p><p>"So, I can...I do have feelings for Mike. S-s-shit, Audra was right....Thanks, Eddie."</p><p>"You're welcome? Coulda just used google, you geezer."</p><p>"I wanted to talk to my best friend about it." Bill smiled softly.</p><p>Eddie scoffed, sounding pleased.</p><p>"So, how do you know all about...this?"</p><p>The other man went quiet for a few moments. "Well, um- we might... we might have a similar problem."</p><p>Eddie's tone brought him back to the Neibolt house, his friend backed fearfully into the corner. <em>Don't be mad, Bill. I was just scared.</em></p><p>"what do you mean?" <em>Don't be scared. We've all been too damn scared our whole lives.</em></p><p>"I'm gay, Bill."</p><p>"Really?"</p><p>"<em>Really?</em> that's how you respond? yes, really."</p><p>"Well, I'm just glad you told me. That you felt like you could! What are you going to do then?"</p><p>"Don't tell any of the other losers yet, okay Bill? I need this to be just between us for now. But I'm working on divorcing Myra. It's been kind of fucking awful, which is why I also haven't been around in the group chat."</p><p>"I'm sorry, Eds."</p><p>"Yeah, don't be. I needed to stop being a coward." he paused. "It's Richie, y'know. It always was Richie."</p><p>"RICHIE?!" Bill shouted, and distantly he heard a thud from downstairs.</p><p>"Shut up, asshole! We can't all be in love with actual angels like you."</p><p>It took him a moment to understand what the other man was saying, and once it clicked he felt his face warm. "I-"</p><p>“WHAT? WHAT’S WRONG?!” Richie burst through the door, glasses askew, clothes and hair rumpled from sleep. Bill immediately hung up on Eddie to snap a photo not him. “What the hell, man? You scared the shit out of me.” He rubbed his eyes, irritated from the flash. Bill cackled as he sent the photo to Eddie, captioning it <em>my guardian angel. </em></p><p>Eddie: you hung up on me for this</p><p>Bill: you love it. you love him</p><p>Eddie: shut up</p><p>.  .  .</p><p>Much later, Bill was laying in Richie’s guest bed staring at the ceiling. He felt like a teenager again, pining after his friend. His chest ached, he wanted to be around Mike, to do couple things with him. He wanted to <em>love</em> him, and somehow, he wanted Mike to love him back.</p><p>It was almost like whiplash, realizing how deeply he felt for Mike. But the longer he thought about it, he realized those feelings were always there, simmering since they met again as adults. Maybe even since they were kids.</p><p>He needed to tell Mike. Anxiety seized his body over the thought, his heart rate skyrocketing. He rolled over on his side. Maybe he shouldn’t. What if it ruined their friendship? What if Mike didn’t even <em>want</em> to be friends any more? He rolled over to his other side.</p><p>But if he doesn’t tell him, it would be like lying.</p><p>And Bill hated to lie to his friends.</p><p>Bill: you’re still in the LA area right?</p><p>Mike: yeah why?</p><p>Bill: you want to go to the park with me tomorrow?</p><p>Mike: …you’re still not still mad about the ritual thing right?</p><p>Bill: no…?</p><p>Mike: just making sure you aren’t gonna kill me in the woods</p><p>Bill: mikey!</p><p>Mike: i’m kidding. of course I’ll go to the park with you. see you tomorrow :)</p><p>.   .   .</p><p>To say that Bill was nervous would be an understatement.</p><p>He left Richie’s house early that morning, way before Richie woke up. He was still sleeping on the couch when Bill came downstairs. Bill kissed him on the forehead before stepping out the door. He and Mike decided on which park they wanted to meet last night, and Bill typed it into his gps and drove off.</p><p>Once he got to the park, he climbed out of his car and breathed in the fresh air. It reminded him of the good parts of his childhood, grounding him. Memories of playing with Georgie in the front yard. Hanging out with the losers in the clubhouse. Riding silver around the neighborhood. He smiled to himself.</p><p>Mike’s truck pulled up next to him a few moments later, and Mike hopped out and gave Bill and hug. “Hey, Bill, how ya doing?”</p><p>If Bill leaned into the hug more than usual, that was his own business.</p><p>“Hey, Mikey.”</p><p>They parted, and Mike took a moment to study Bill’s face. Bill looked away nervously.</p><p>“What’s wrong, Bill?” Mike questioned, putting a hand on his shoulder. His feelings went from simmering to burning. He peaked at Mike’s lips and imagined kissing him.</p><p>He took a step away.</p><p>“Let’s walk and talk, eh?” Bill sent him a tight-lipped smile. Mike frowned, but nodded.  </p><p>They picked a trail, and Bill explained what was happening with Audra and their divorce, sans Mike being a least part of the reason why they decided to break up.</p><p>“I’m sorry, I’m sure it’s been hard. You could have told me earlier, I would have been there for you sooner.” Mike said.</p><p>“Honestly, even though the buildup was there for awhile, we only decided a few d-d-days ago.”</p><p>“Still, you never said anything about having issues with Audra during our talks.”</p><p>
  <em>That’s because I was only thinking about you.</em>
</p><p>“Well, you’re here now.” he said with finality.</p><p>They trekked along the path in companionable silence until coming upon a grassy clearing with a bench. Mike sat down and beckoned Bill to follow.</p><p>“Something’s still bothering you.” Mike offered.</p><p>Bill sighed. <em>Might as well rip this bandaid off.</em></p><p>“I have to tell you something.”</p><p>Mike put his hand on Bill’s. “You know you can tell me anything. Losers stick together.”</p><p>Bill pulled his hand away, already missing the contact.</p><p>“You know when we end our p-p-phone calls we say we love each other?”</p><p>Mike looked confused. “Yeah?”</p><p>Bill gulped, his mouth feeling dry. “I don’t mean it the same way you do.”</p><p>There was of beat of silence before Mike said, “What do you mean?” His voice sounded hoarse.</p><p>
  <em>Oh, God. He hates me, he hates me, he-</em>
</p><p>“Bill, what do you mean?” Mike repeated.</p><p>“I mean, I have f-feelings for you.”</p><p>Mike gaped at him, before putting on an uneasy smile. “Haha, real funny, Bill. Who told you, Richie?”</p><p>“You think this is a joke?” he replied, already feeling rejected.</p><p>“Well, yeah. Not a very funny one, but-“</p><p>“T-t-this isn’t a joke! I don’t even know h-how it could be one-“</p><p>“Pretending to like the guy who’s been hopelessly single his whole life, and who obviously likes you-“</p><p>“<strong>I left my wife for you!</strong>”</p><p>That shut the both of them up.</p><p>“Do you really..?” Mike asked.</p><p>“Yes.” Bill turned to him. “Do you…?</p><p>“Yes.” Mike cupped Bill’s face with his hands and began to laugh lightly. “I loved you when we were kids. Then I fell back in love with you as soon as I saw you in the Jade of The Orient.”</p><p>“It’s the s-s-same with me. I didn’t realize it, but I d-did. I do.”</p><p>“Can I kiss you?” Mike asked excitedly.</p><p>“Please.”</p><p>And he did. Mike’s lips were so soft against his own, and it felt like a bolt of electricity shocked his system. The burning overtook him. He was in love, and Mike loved him back. The parted slowly, Mike looking like Bill felt.</p><p>“You really left your wife for me?” Mike grinned.</p><p>“Who wouldn’t?”</p><p>They laughed, then kissed until they were both breathless.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>title is from avalanche by walk the moon </p><p>i've been writing this fic for 2 and a half months, sorry if it's not very good lmao. it's also the first time writing these characters, i hope i did them justice!! hanbrough is underrated</p><p>find me one tumblr to yell about IT! my url is realityrewind</p></blockquote></div></div>
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